Every time some suburbanite kid tries to say that he’s country, a bald eagle dies.

Before I really get started I should probably explain myself here. If you don’t already know, I’m an out of towner and having grown up surrounded by woods, horse farms, and orchards, even I hesitate to say that where I’m from is that small of a town. What really made the difference was growing up running a tractor, mucking stalls on a horse farm, and wondering how cutting and stacking firewood isn’t considered a basic life skill by other people.

You may have heard people say that they are, in fact, country. Despite their claims, most of them are either wrong or they just don’t actually know what country is. Watch out though: most of them are going to back up their claim with some generic stuff about what makes them country.

They’re probably going to use their boots as the first example, so if they’re wearing spotless Timberland Pros then they’re not country. Of all the mainstream trends taken from country, boots have probably been the most popular and are definitely the most confusing. If you can find somebody who can rationally justify wearing a pair of crappy, overpriced “work” boots for fashion as being country, let me know. If there’s anything less country than wearing Timberlands for style, it’s probably communism.

After their boots, the next thing you’re going to hear about is how much they love country music, but last time I checked country music isn’t supposed to involve some flashy wannabe singer auto tuning everything. If names like George Jones or Conway Twitty mean nothing to them, walk away. I can understand liking some of the newer mainstream country singers like Jake Owens or Luke Bryan, but basing your definition of real, diehard country music on them is about as backwards as NASCAR turning right.

Now nine times out of ten these two things should be enough to know if they’re just bluffing, but once in awhile you’ll have to look closer.

One of the best ways you can be certain if they’re really country is pretty simple: if you walk into a barn, do they cover their nose? Yeah? Well if they can still smell it then they’re probably not that country.

If neither of you can get to a barn anytime soon then you pretty much already have an answer, but if you want to keep checking go ahead. There are a few things to try that pretty much anyone country knows about.

First one would be tractors, yeah tractors, those things just about every farm kid has been driving since before they could work the clutch. Just casually drop Ford into the mix. If they think you’ve suddenly changed the conversation from tractors to cars then they probably aren’t country. Ford made tractors for years so if they’re confused here, you’ve pretty much got your answer laid out for you.

No matter how far they make it into this little “country test” the point remains the same, if you’re not country you can still like country stuff. It’s fine to like trucks, country music, and boots, but that doesn’t mean you get to go around bragging about being country or a “redneck.” Go ahead and like all these things, but at the end of the day they aren’t what make country.

What makes country, and will always make country, is who you are; it’s about roots and family and pride. It’s a lifestyle that’s not there for show, it’s there because it’s what we know and how we’re raised. So go ahead, suburban preppy kid, say you’re country, but when the EPA shows up at your door about all the dead eagles, don’t come crying to me.