Please enjoy these classic satirical news updates to celebrate the end of 2016, created by senior legend Katie Miller.
December 31, 2016
It’s that time of year again when we celebrate the great achievements of American cinema; Golden Globe nominees have been announced! Nominations for top actor include Matt Damon for his role in The Martian, Jennifer Lawrence for her role in Joy, and me for getting away with “my dog ate my homework” for the fourth consecutive day.
The political debate is still on. Now, prominent party members on both sides of the aisle are disputing whether the confirmed Russian hack of the DNC and RNC had any legitimate effects on U.S. election results… Hey Putin, do you think you can crack into Edline?
Speaking of the election… President-Elect Donald Trump is in the process of creating his cabinet to help aid him during his upcoming term. With only two spots left to fill, a few names are standing out from the crowd as likely contenders. Former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown actually endorsed himself for the position of Veterans Affairs Secretary in an interview last month with The Washington Post. He’s just about as desperate for the position as a senior girl during prom season.
Two emergency managers for Flint, Michigan have now been charged with conspiracy, neglect of duty, and other crimes connected to the ongoing crisis of contaminated water. If found guilty of all charges, the two men could face up to 40 years in prison. They’re just lucky Mr. Laughton didn’t catch them trying to get to first period forty-five seconds after the bell.
The year is coming to an end, meaning that Billboard is releasing its year-end collection of 2016’s hottest songs. At the top of the list you can find “Hello” by Adele, “Sorry” by Justin Bieber, and one that many Algonquin students can relate to: “Stressed Out.”
With the recent death of former Cuban president and revolutionary Fidel Castro, we take a step closer to the normalization of the newly-established U.S. diplomatic relations with Cuba. The two governments are still working on regulating tourism between Cuba and the U.S. as well as the trade of items such as Cuban rum, sugarcane, and not to mention cigars. Just in time for senior graduation!
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